Unhappy But Obligated: How to Navigate This Gently
Anxiously HUMAN
They’ve been so good to you, how can you possibly hurt them??
The guilt that comes from knowing you may have to let down or hurt someone who has been good to you and supported you is intense. It can be so intense, in fact, that many people stay in friendships and relationships FOR YEARS because they can’t bear the guilt.
Well, I have news for you:
You’re doing that person a great disservice.
“But they love me and want to be my friend/partner/spouse…how I am doing them a disservice?”
Because that person deserves more than your obligatory relationship. Imagine saying to them:
I’m your friend because I feel obligated. I’m your boyfriend because I feel obligated. I’m your wife because I feel obligated.
See how bad that sounds? Can you imagine how hurt they would feel if you actually admitted the truth? Then, in essence, your presence and compliance in the friendship or relationship each day is a blatant lie slap in the face. So if this person is such a good person and you don’t want to hurt them, why are you complicit in this?
I’ve come up with some possible answers…
-YOU’RE SCARED OF THEIR REACTION IF YOU END IT
-YOU THINK THEY WILL JUST GUILT YOU OR EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAIL YOU INTO STAYING
-YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SEEN AS “THE BAD GUY”
-YOU’RE SCARED OF THE KARMA OF HURTING A GOOD PERSON
-YOU ARE USING THEM AS A CRUTCH
-DISAPPOINTING THEM MAKES YOU FEEL TERRIBLE
Ouch. Yes I know some of these are tough to swallow. Unfortunately, they are not only common, but quite accurate. I’m going to explain why all of these are a bad reason to stay in any type of relationship or friendship.
They really deserve better.
I don’t mean “better” than you. This is not a blow to your ego, relax. What I mean is they deserve someone who is as invested, emotionally involved, and excited about the friendship or relationship as they are. It’s as simple as that. Equality of emotion and connection is key for healthy relationships.
Being honest and transparent is always good for the big picture or in the long run.
They may be upset for some time. You may feel guilty because they have been good to you. But in the future, when the dust has settled, you will both find real, equal connections. You won’t be settling and they won’t feel like they’re giving 100% while you give 50%. Capesh?
Being decisive and final is hard, but dragging out your unhappiness and trapped obligation is harder.
Believe it or not, they can sense you’re not all in. If they are insecure, they will cling, they will keep trying harder. It’s horribly sad to watch and being honest with them might really hurt, but not as much as the slow deterioration of their self-worth. We aren’t as good of actors/actresses as they think, and the person can feel your obligatory energy.
There is no negative karma for honesty and you are not the bad guy for not being able to pull emotions or feelings out of thin air.
If you have a friend you just don’t feel connected to or into but they have gone above and beyond for you…let them go find a friend who would do the same! If you are in a relationship with someone who is GREAT but you are not in love or as emotionally invested as them…let them go find their equal connection and energy elsewhere!
Honestly, there’s a point where obligation turns to compliance and compliance turns to selfishness. Usually in one-sided friendships the one who is giving will end up neglected and unappreciated. In a relationship the partner more invested will end up feeling inadequate and drained. So to put it super blunt:
Don’t be complicit and selfish. Be strong enough to handle the guilt so you can do right by the other person FOR REAL.
I have been on both ends of this and both of them suck pretty bad. The more strong you are mentally and the more you grow, you will find this gets easier…being honest I mean.
Hope this helped some of you in this situation and if you need support, make sure to ask your most honest, blunt friend. (Or me). As always, I appreciate your time and attention. If you’re not already, please subscribe using the Let’s Connect link on my sites homepage Gabbyfox.com.
xo…G
